Fancy “Meat”ing You Here Again (I’m Back)
I’m sorry I’ve been away. It’s been an interesting time in my life, to say the least. About a year ago, I was happily existing as a vegetarian. Well, a friend of mine literally forced me to take a bite of a pork chop, and it was so unflappingly delicious that I went on a freaking meat-eating binge. One thing lead to another, and I started chomping down raw beef. After my third episode of E. Coli, I decided enough was enough, but I just couldn’t quit on my own. So of course I ended up in Paraguay, where the world’s foremost clinic for those with raw meat addictions exists. It’s called, “The Meat Packer’s Last Stop.” I spent four months in hardcore meditation, inpatient therapy, and all out torture to overcome my addiction. It’s not easy, and I still need to attend two M.E.A. “Meatings” per week (Meat-Eaters Anonymous), but you’ll be happy to know I’ve been raw meat free for over 200 days now. I’m wearing my smiling moo-cow badge right now to prove it.
So, unfortunately, my music had to take a back burner for the time being. I’m feeling rejuvenated and ready to face my dozens of fans again. I had one song, “Deciduous Girl” almost complete just before my total break down. I will get back to it, but I’m having trouble with the female talent on the song (it’s a duet). Her name is Tree-hanna, and apparently she’s suffering some sort of self-esteem crisis and doesn’t want to finish the recording (you know how chicks can be). I’ll work my magic on her, and we’ll get it done soon.
So check back, because I’m back, so don’t turn your back, or else you are back-asswards, and I’ll turn my back on you…plus my back itches. It’s good to be home. I was sick of Paraguay. I don’t know how many of you have been there, but it’s got to be the biggest, smelliest hellhole ever. I think God was joking around when he made it. Talk to you soon.