Harfax Johnson

Fancy “Meat”ing You Here Again (I’m Back)

Harfax Johnson — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 03:19:57 +0000

I’m sorry I’ve been away. It’s been an interesting time in my life, to say the least. About a year ago, I was happily existing as a vegetarian. Well, a friend of mine literally forced me to take a bite of a pork chop, and it was so unflappingly delicious that I went on a freaking meat-eating binge. One thing lead to another, and I started chomping down raw beef. After my third episode of E. Coli, I decided enough was enough, but I just couldn’t quit on my own. So of course I ended up in Paraguay, where the world’s foremost clinic for those with raw meat addictions exists. It’s called, “The Meat Packer’s Last Stop.” I spent four months in hardcore meditation, inpatient therapy, and all out torture to overcome my addiction. It’s not easy, and I still need to attend two M.E.A. “Meatings” per week (Meat-Eaters Anonymous), but you’ll be happy to know I’ve been raw meat free for over 200 days now. I’m wearing my smiling moo-cow badge right now to prove it.

Above is the pic I took of my last meal before entering the clinic. I literally ate both pieces in just under one minute.

So, unfortunately, my music had to take a back burner for the time being. I’m feeling rejuvenated and ready to face my dozens of fans again. I had one song, “Deciduous Girl” almost complete just before my total break down. I will get back to it, but I’m having trouble with the female talent on the song (it’s a duet). Her name is Tree-hanna, and apparently she’s suffering some sort of self-esteem crisis and doesn’t want to finish the recording (you know how chicks can be). I’ll work my magic on her, and we’ll get it done soon.

So check back, because I’m back, so don’t turn your back, or else you are back-asswards, and I’ll turn my back on you…plus my back itches. It’s good to be home. I was sick of Paraguay. I don’t know how many of you have been there, but it’s got to be the biggest, smelliest hellhole ever. I think God was joking around when he made it. Talk to you soon.

Harfax

Cheerleaders Provide A Different Stimulus Package

Harfax Johnson — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 15:27:54 +0000

Some of you may remember hearing about two NFL Carolina Panther cheerleaders who caused a scandal several years ago by getting frisky with each other in a restroom. The cheerleaders were removed from the squad and faced intense media scrutiny for a few days, despite the fact many players who are criminals remain on NFL teams.

Personally, I am still upset about this situation. What kind of a country do we live in that this sort of behavior is PUNISHED?!

Cheerleaders doing their part to improve morale

Here we sit feeling a sense of financial gloom and depression as the politicians from both parties squabble and flounder, searching for ways to revive the nation. What could elevate the psyche of Wall Street, and of Americans in general more than two hot cheerleaders getting it on? The majority of men, and I dare say even a decent percentage of women, could not possibly remain despondent while watching two women dressed in cheerleader garb make out. (They very well may not have been in their Carolina Panther outfits when they were busted, but that’s how I choose to remember it.)

Yet, they were reprimanded when they should have been encouraged. If I were president, I would immediately call for huge tax breaks for any hot cheerleaders who could provide video proof they had made out in public. I believe Bill Clinton would be with me on this one.

For example, both cheerleaders would be given $200 tax incentives for holding hands, $500 for any tongue kissing and so on. This is an “issue” that surely would be accepted in a bi-partisan manner, with the “bi” being especially fitting. I’m talking about ways to unite this country again, people.

Instead, the Panthers told the cheerleaders, “You’re fired” while the media said, “Shame on you.” I say to the cheerleaders, “You are great Americans” and wish that I could thank you each individually (or possibly even to both of you at the same time).

That would stimulate my package.

Video Premiere: Up Yours

Harfax Johnson — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:37:58 +0000

This is my parody of Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours.”
If you don’t like it, then up yours.

“Up Yours”

Halloween Poll – Vote or DIE

Harfax Johnson — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 04:57:27 +0000

I just posted my TWO brand new music videos, created in honor of Halloween, directly below this post. Consider it my gift to you all.

You’re welcome, freaks.

In return, all I ask is that you watch them and then answer the following question. Or die.

Is that too much to ask? Oops… wait, that’s not the question.

Video Premiere: Dead, Not Alive (Ode to Michael Myers)

Harfax Johnson — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 04:57:21 +0000

This is my parody of Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive.”
It’s a real scream.

“Dead, Not Alive: Ode to Michael Myers”

Video Premiere: Boy In The Water (Ode to Jason Voorhees)

Harfax Johnson — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 04:57:13 +0000

This is my parody of Deep Purple’s song “Smoke on the Water.”
You’ll laugh yourself to death.

“Boy In The Water: Ode to Jason Voorhees”

Video Premiere: Choke Cubs Choke

Harfax Johnson — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 05:20:20 +0000

This is my parody of Steve Goodman’s song “Go Cubs Go.”
You’ll laugh so hard that you’ll choke.

“Choke Cubs Choke”

October Exists, So Let’s Make the Most of It

Harfax Johnson — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 05:02:17 +0000

It’s October.

I’m happy for several reasons. One, Halloween is like the best day ever. Guys dress up as homicidal maniacs, and chicks dress up as really hot tramps. Two, some restraining orders involving me, Sheena Easton and countless others inch closer to their expirations. Three, I’ve got some new songs coming out soon, and one or two just might have a Halloween theme to them.

Stick around. This month should be disastrous interesting.

Video Premiere: Monopolize

Harfax Johnson — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:56:26 +0000

This is my parody of Timbaland’s “Apologize,” featuring OneRepublic. I’m sorry if you don’t like it.

Also, the answers to the name quiz are now at the bottom of that post.

“Monopolize”

Video Premiere: Herpes #1

Harfax Johnson — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 13:54:03 +0000

This is my parody of REO Speedwagon’s “Take It On The Run.” Better “catch” it while you can.

“Herpes #1″